


Insight Between Black and White

by TortiTabby



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Nudity, Outing, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-07-12 15:46:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15998369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TortiTabby/pseuds/TortiTabby
Summary: Phil posts an instagram story that accidentally exposes them in more ways than one and Dan tries to keep it together.





	Insight Between Black and White

**Author's Note:**

> This is for the Tour Fest II 
> 
> Thank you so much to @quercussp for being my beta and helping me along the way with this!  
> Title from the song "Closer to Fine" by the Indigo Girls

Accidents happen. Hell, accidents have happened to them before, and they would probably happen again. Dan knew there were times before that he felt like there was no solution and nowhere to go, but this accident seemed like the big one. The career ending devastating accident that he was afraid he couldn't come back from. He didn't know how to claw himself out of the hole he fell into and he felt like he was alone in it.  
  
“Dan, listen I deleted it right away.” Phil was knocking on the bathroom door again. To Dan's ears he sounded more exasperated than concerned.  
  
Dan couldn't sit still from the nerves vibrating off of him.  
  
Phil had accidentally captured a totally and completely nude Dan in one of his instagram stories. Sure, he deleted it as soon as it was brought to his attention, but the damage was done.  
  
Phil had been recording himself trying some bizarre sweet he found with his back to the large glass door to the patio of the hotel they were staying in. Halfway through the story Dan walked past in the background as naked as the day he was born before disappearing into the bathroom for the temporary bliss from a new bath bomb, completely unaware of the guest appearance he had just made in Phil's video.  
  
This changed things. It had to. His phone lit up and a wave of nausea hit him as a text from his mother popped up on the screen. He couldn't deal with her at the moment. It looked like it was time to go back to the other side of the wooden bathroom door and face a reality that didn't have to do with his mother discussing where he went wrong this time.  
  
Phil waved him over with a small smile. He gestured towards their manager who was having a heated conversation on the phone.  
“They're working out an idea but I think we should just play dumb. It's worked well so far I don't see why it wouldn't now.” He shrugged before flopping onto the bed and absent mindlessly patted the spot next to him.  
  
Dan took to the chair from across the room silently. Phil frowned.  
  
“I'll talk to them about it, yes. What site put it up? Yes let's write to them and see if we can get them to take it down. I'll go through the emails. We aren't doing refunds for tickets. No.”  
  
Dan wanted to cry. He knew it would all of the questions would ultimately be brought to them and he didn't know if he could handle it today. This was a nightmare.  
  
Marianne finally ended the phone call she was on and turned to them.  
  
“First we are going to have to make a public apology,” she stared right at Dan and he was thankful she wasn't avoiding eye contact with him like a few members of their crew he came across in the fall out. “We also think it would be best...” She looked uncomfortable in away that didn't suit her. It was clear she didn't want to finish that sentence.  
  
“If what?” Phil asked calmly.  
  
“If you two came out.” She held her hands up. “Just think about it, boys. I need to go email an irate mother we have causing some problems for us. I'll talk to you later.” With that she grabbed her phone and left the two of them alone.  
  
Phil sighed loudly.  
  
“Alright, do you want to tweet out the apology?” He asked.  
  
Dan could feel his head spinning as his feet angrily took him towards the exit.  
  
“Yeah since it was my instagram story I didn't check? Sure Phil. Great idea.” He snapped.  
  
Dan knew it wasn't all Phil's fault and that it was after all just an accident, but he wasn't as upset as Dan wanted him to be or felt like he should be. There were websites and news articles and countless other people taking the whole “Youtuber's out themselves in nude instagram story” and running with it. His mother knew, for fucks sake.  
  
He could feel that he was spiraling, but how in the world did Phil not seem as scared and remorseful as he should be.  
Dan was ruined.  
  
“You're being dramatic.” Phil joined Dan on his feet. “Are you mad at me?” He had the audacity to sound baffled by the fact.  
“We have to come out now Phil! How could I not be mad? How does this always happen but it's not your fault?” He stopped himself and took a big breath.  
  
“You're really throwing that video in my face right now?” Phil asked quietly. He sounded hurt. “I made a mistake Dan. You shouldn't just walk around naked.” The hurt in his voice turned to a biting anger in the end. It was going to do no good with them both this upset.  
  
Dan knew his chest was heaving and could feel the beginning of tears start in the corners of his eyes. He walked into the bathroom and grabbed his phone before heading back towards the door without saying anything.  
  
“Don't just march out of here, Dan. We need to come up with a solution.”  
  
Before Dan could reply his phone lit up in his hand.  
  
_“Dad”_ lit up the screen.  
  
A fragile relationship to begin with, Dan could only imagine his father’s outrage. Of course this was when he would pay attention to whatever was happening in Dan's life. He couldn't breathe. He needed to get some air.  
  
“Dan?” Phil's voice was soft and cautious now. Dan knew he saw who had been calling.“We can figure this out. I'm sorry.”  
  
He shook his head without looking at Phil. He couldn't breathe in this room. He needed to take a walk. He needed his feet to carry him to somewhere less stifling and suffocating.  
  
He denied the call and and shoved his phone into his pocket.  
  
“Dan wait-”  
  
He slammed the door harder than he intended.

  


  


He made his way towards the lobby of the hotel and passed Martyn and Cornelia on the way.  
  
“Dan wait!” His legs frustratingly halted his body. He just couldn't stomp away from Cornelia when she asked him to stop.  
  
Martyn hung back but offered a small smile as a hello from over Cornelia's shoulder.  
  
She slowly walked up and grabbed a hold of Dan's shoulder's before bringing him in for a warm hug. It was stronger than someone that much smaller than him had any business in being.  
  
He blinked away a few tears.  
  
“Don't go too far. It'll all work itself out.” She whispered in his ear before letting him go.  
  
He nodded and turned quickly on his heel towards the doors before she could see that he was crying, though he was pretty sure she already knew.

  
  


Outside Dan picked a direction in a whim and started walking. It was a chilly night and Dan couldn't help but notice the way he picked had little in the way of street lights and the slight sliver of the moon only slightly illuminated his way.  
His mind wandered to how strange it was to be wandering around in Australia alone and how wrong it felt. He should call his therapist. She would be able to help his mind settle at least. Or his grandma but he didn't want her to know. He felt like he broke the number one rule to being semi famous. Now he was exposed, literally, and outed on top of it. Any choice he made now seemed crucial. Any solution he came up with felt wrong. He compromised by doing a few breathing techniques he learned in therapy instead. Surely that had to count for something?  
  
His phone buzzed in his pocket. He stopped walking to see what disappointed family member was trying to contact him now.  
Phil: “Please come back. It’s late”

  
  


 

He somehow managed to retrace his steps and was standing outside of their shared hotel room.  
  
He had a betraying thought that he rather wished they had a separate one tonight, but he supposed they wouldn't have been in this mess if they had. All because he forgot to grab that damned bath bomb he was so excited to use.  
  
Of course he forgot to grab a key before he stormed out. He rapped on the door quickly, not wanting to run into anyone while he was waiting and have to communicate with anybody else for the remainder of the day.  
  
“Did you find hi- Oh.” Phil let out a breath of relief and opened the door wider. His hair was pushed further back than normal in a way Dan knew resulted from his stressed out tendency of running his fingers through it obsessively. There were bags under his eyes beneath his glasses and he looked small and unsure of himself.  
  
Dan was surprised to still find the remnants of anger boiling under the surface at the sight of his boyfriend. His heart was torn between wanting to curl up underneath Phil's chin for as long as he possibly could without ever leaving and listening to the steady rhythm of his heart beneath his ear, and sleeping in the bathtub so he didn't have to look at him tonight.  
  
It hurt.  
  
“I can't do this.” He whispered quietly. His voice was raspy from disuse and emotion.  
  
“Do what Dan? Wander Australia on your own until one in the morning?” Phil shot back. His hands were quivering as he sent out a text presumably calling off their little search party for him. It made him feel like a child.  
  
“Any of it, all of it. I'm just done, Phil.” Dan replied simply. He walked over to the bed and shed his shirt and pants before climbing into bed in just his underwear. He bit back a passive aggressive comment about Phil needing to put his phone away while he was undressing. It wouldn't have done anything but hurt them both and now that Dan was back under the covers he realized how he was tired down to his bones.  
  
Phil sighed loudly, no doubt upset about the lack of discussion they were having, and crawled into bed next to Dan.  
  
Dan scooted to the edge of his side of the bed and refused to let himself feel guilty about it. He couldn't let Phil comfort him when it should be both of them this upset. Tonight wasn't for touching. Dan wondered if he would ever stop feeling exposed in such a big, unfamiliar way. He thought of how he would have felt if the roles were switched and if it were Phil instead of him. The idea of so many people in the world seeing Phil bare in the way Dan was the only one to see sounded almost worse to him. How could Phil seem so unaffected by this?  
  
He quietly brought his phone to his face to look at the damage for the first time.  
  
  
**Mum:** _Daniel you know better!_   
**Bryony:** _Yikes. You okay?_  
**Mum:** _Are you out now? How does this work?_  
**Nana:** _Love you_  
  
  
He closed out of his messages and took a breath before delving into his social media.  
_“OMG DID U SEE IT AAKSLDHAF”_  
_“Can someone send me a screen shot I didn't see before Phil deleted. RIP_ ”  
_“I have it but I'm not going to send it to anyone. Respect them.”_  
_“Omg Phan is real and I saw Dan naked today!”_  
_“Yep, I'm still gay lmaooo”_  
_“@Dan what's up ;)”_  
_“OMG guys #PhanIsReal is trending!!1!”_

  
  
  
  


Dan growled and threw his phone across the room. He could feel Phil startle awake next to him. A hesitant hand gripped his shoulder and he shrugged it off. He screwed his eyes up and willed himself to sleep. There was nothing more he could do about today and he needed to recharge before dealing with tomorrow.

  
  


“Phil you don't know how to set up a live show! I swear we've done it how many times now?” Dan laughed and adjusted the camera angle until it showed them both.  
  
“I need my coffee.” Phil declared as he held a steaming mug up to the screen.  
  
Dan made his typical “this guy” face and leaned closer to Phil, bare shoulder to bare shoulder.  
  
“Let's pull people on screen for truth bombs!” Phil declared excitedly.  
  
Dan looked over to see Phil was totally naked.  
  
“Phil!” Panic gripped Dan fiercely.  
  
“You don't always get to pick who's on!” Phil jabbed a finger to Dan's naked chest. He glanced down and saw to his horror he was completely nude as well.  
  
“Phil we need to stop this live show!” Dan hissed.  
  
“Hey! What's your answer to our question?” Phil asked in his patented friendly meet and greet voice.  
  
“Hi!” A girl with short brown hair waved at the camera before making a disgusted face.  
  
“You guys really think it's okay to be naked and be all gay at us?” She asked.  
  
Dan was mortified.  
  
Phil threw his head back and laughed loudly like she told the best joke he'd ever heard.  
  
The chat started flying past. The only words that Dan was able to make out were “naked” and “gay” He was going to be sick.  
  
“Phil we need to turn this off.” Dan was nearly begging at this point.  
  
“Dan,” was all Phil responded with.  
  
Dan gripped his hair in his hands and tried to look away from the screen. The words naked and gay were written all across the hotel room walls.  
  
“Dan.” Phil said again. Dan just shook his head and pushed himself away from the desk they were at.  
  
“Turn it off Phil.”  
  
“Wake up, Dan.”

  
  


Dan jolted upright and heavy breathing. He tried to blink away the awful nightmare and come to terms with reality. One glance of Phil's somber expression reminded him of how much he hated reality currently.  
  
“You're phone's cracked.” Phil said quietly after staring at him with a pitying expression. “It's nearly ten. We have to get going we have a show tonight.”  
  
“I can't- I can't do meet and greets, Phil!”  
  
Phil sighed heavily and sat at the end of the bed, careful not to touch Dan.  
  
“Say the word and the tour's done. If you can't finish it I understand. We'll stop it. Just … let me know.” He stood up and left the room in a hurry at that. Dan felt unsettled by the lack of eye contact and defeated edge in his tone.  
  
Dan stretched and looked down at the cracked screen of his iphone. After a few minutes he determined it functioned well enough and probably better than he really wanted it to right now.  
  
As much as he was dying to cancel the rest of the shows and hide away from the rest of the world, Dan couldn't imagine actually doing that. It wasn't fair for the people who were so excited to come and see and meet them. It wasn't fair to Phil who had just been telling Dan last week that he was having the best time of his life touring the world with him. It would be selfish to stop going and deep down it wasn't what Dan wanted either.  
  
He took a short shower and got ready in record time to meet the rest of the group down in the lobby.  
  
Cornelia gave him a small wave but Dan was surprised to see a dirty look be thrown his way by Martyn.  
  
Did he think he was dragging Phil's career down the drain along with his? Is he upset his brother got outed?  
  
Thrown off by the whole thing, Dan got in the van and popped headphones in on the way to the venue. Talking to anybody was just going to make his anxiety about the whole thing worse and he knew he was just going to have to wing it. It was something he typically did better than Phil and although it was less enjoyable for everyone around, it was as good as he could do at the moment.  
  
His phone popped up from another text from his Mum that he quickly ignored. There wasn't any use going down that rabbit hole. She wouldn't understand and it was too fresh for her to not be wound up about it still. It was better for both of them to let it air out for some time before he called her back.  
  
Not for the first time in his life he wished he had a mother like Kathryn. The Lester boys talked to her nearly every day and she could handle the nitty gritty details of how complex life could get. It wasn't a fair thought, his mum wasn't a bad parent. She loved her sons and if he needed to talk she would listen, but never without throwing out her opinion.  
  
Sooner than Dan was ready they arrived at the theater. The rows and rows of seats seemed threatening and a small part of him was wishing he told Phil to forget about it.  
  
“It'll go fine. We can always cheat and speed up the meet and greet if you want. I'll try to direct the conversations.” Phil spoke up from his side. Dan drank in how great Phil looked today in his light gray AmazingPhil fox jumper that fit his body just right. His quiff was styled to perfection but his eyes were red and exhausted under his glasses and his mouth was pulled in a frown that didn't belong on his face.  
  
“Hey” Dan said softly. Phil shook his head and headed towards the door.  
  
“It's time for meet and greet. We can talk later.” He muttered in a scratchy voice. Dan watched him go in silence with a funny feeling in his gut. Phil was hurting too. This was bad for both of them and it was time they faced it together. It wasn't anybody's fault or it was both of theirs. They were stronger than this. If it was career ruining Dan figured he might as well enjoy these last few dates.  
  
He plastered his best fake smile on and jumped through the door where everyone was waiting to meet them.  
  
Not one person so far brought up the instagram story but Dan would be lying if he said there wasn't an underlying tension and a good handful of younger fans that wouldn't look him in the eye. He would take what he could get. They were both beginning to relax and were actually having a good time. Meeting the people who make their career exist was an always humbling and exciting event.  
  
Everything was going great until the second two people towards the end of the line came around the corner. It was a young girl in tow with her mother who had her finger pointing at Dan before she was even completely around the curtain.  
  
“You have children that watch you!” She shouted angrily. She had clearly been stewing about this since it happened and showed no remorse or hesitation. “You can do whatever disgusting things you want to do on your own but not on a platform my daughter has access to!” Her shrill voice rang out through the large empty room. Dan found himself gaping at her at a loss for words. She was right, after all.  
  
“Listen, I'm s-”  
  
“It was an accident.” Phil said flatly.  
  
“Lady, it was in a reflection and you could barely just see his ass. Has your daughter never seen an ass before?” Somebody further down the line called out. The rest of the line burst into laughter.  
  
“I'm sorry!” The young girl squeaked out. She was staring at Dan with a trembling lip.  
  
“Don't be sorry, your Mum's right. It was not ideal.” He laughed awkwardly.  
  
“I don't think it's funny.” The woman snapped, but between the people waiting to meet them and her daughter mortified next to her she was losing some steam.  
  
“I don't either.” Dan said seriously.  
  
“It was stupid and if I would have known my daughter was watching a couple of fa-”  
  
“She needs to go. Now.” Marianne said sternly to the bodyguard who had started moving forward on his own before she even spoke up.  
  
The mother angrily opened her mouth.  
  
“Ma'am, you can leave on your own now or we can get law enforcement involved but you're not going to stand here and harass them.”  
  
She grabbed her daughter's wrist and stomped off. The young girl turned and mouthed 'sorry' to Dan before she was out of sight.  
“Need a break?” Marianne asked. Her voice was shaky and no matter how talented she was at keeping it professional, the rage was cascading off of her. In an odd way it made Dan feel better.  
  
“Let's just finish this up.” Dan replied in faux confidence.  
  
The rest of the line went by in a blink. Dan was surprised at how much lighter he felt by the end of it. However, it didn't go unnoticed by him how badly Phil's hands were trembling.  
  
“Can't win them all over.” He shrugged at Phil, trying to lighten the dark cloud that moved in over his head. “Let's go get some snacks to eat before the show, okay?”  
  
It was still awkward between the two of them, but Dan welcomed the quiet familiar comfort of Friends reruns before it was time to go on stage.  
  
The rest of the night flew by. It was actually one of the best shows they had put on so far, despite someone answering “clothes” for what was in Dan's box. Dan had to admit it was hilarious even if he had dramatically stomped off stage in between his bouts of shocked laughter.  
  
They rode the adrenaline high all the way back to the hotel room. Phil unlocked the door and opened it to a wall of invisible tension. Dan didn't know what to make of it.  
  
“I'll go shower.” He started to make his way across the room to his suitcase.  
  
“Hey, wait.” Phil sighed before grabbing Dan's arm to stop him. “I know things are bad. I understand where you were coming from last night and you have every right to be hurt.” Dan was alarmed to see tears gathering at the corner of his eyes. Phil took a breath before continuing his obviously rehearsed speech. “If you want to stop YouTube that's fine. We can just do the gaming channel or not do it at all anymore. I'll work at Tesco if you want me to.”  
  
“Phil. It's okay.” Dan moved to wipe the tears from Phil's cheeks but was stopped mid-reach.  
  
Phil gently grabbed each side of Dan's face.  
  
“I love you. I made such a bad mistake and I didn't know how to fix it. I still don't but don't give up on me. I know it was a huge mistake but I'm so sorry. I heard what you said, I did. But I've been thinking all day on what to do but I just-”  
  
“Phil!” Dan interrupted loudly and grabbed the hands that were still pressed to his cheeks. “What are you talking about?”  
  
“Last night you said you were done and you have every right to go, but I don't want you to leave me-”  
  
Dan surged forward to capture Phil's salty lips.  
  
“Phil you absolute lunatic I was a total mess last night and I was talking about the situation and trying to fix it or deal with it. I was never talking about us”  
  
Phil broke down into tears and wrapped his arms around his lanky boyfriend.  
  
“There was just no way to fix it and you had every right to be so mad.”  
  
“I love you.” Was all Dan could reply. It was the only thing that mattered.

  
  


“I made today so much harder avoiding you. I'm sorry.” Phil said sometime later as they were spooning tightly together in the bed that had been unbearable a short twenty four hours before.  
  
Dan hummed in response.  
  
“Is that why your brother looked like he was going to kill me earlier today?” Dan asked with a laugh. He could feel Phil's chuckle vibrate through his back and into Dan's chest.  
  
“I told him you broke up with me and I ruined everything.” Phil admitted.  
  
Dan sighed loudly.  
  
“You better explain all of this to him. I still have to clear things up with my family.” He trailed off.  
  
“It was such an innocent slip up.” Phil remarked. Dan thought about the instastory that was definitely still floating around, but thankfully not as much as he had been afraid of.  
  
There had been a good half a second of full frontal nudity before he had grabbed the bath bomb and turned to walk back into the bathroom. It was telling in all of the ways that worked against them and he had still been exposed on camera, but he knew what Phil meant. If it was anything actually sexual Dan didn't think either of them could show their faces again.  
  
“You scared me last night.” Dan jumped. He had been sure Phil drifted off to sleep.  
  
“Sorry.” Dan croaked.  
  
“You just took off walking again and you were so much better about not doing that anymore and when you got back you were so distant and I didn't know how to help you. I knew you got lost in your head but it was my fault and I didn't know how to get you out. Then you said you were done and didn't want me to touch you... and then your phone.” He trailed off.  
  
Dan grabbed Phil by the shoulders and rolled him over until they were nose to nose.  
  
“I'm an asshole. I get it. I'm so sorry Phil.” He wrapped his arms tightly around Phil and tried not think about attempting to go through the perils of today all while thinking they were broken up. He held himself together a hell of a lot better than Dan could have.  
“I think we really need to work on our communication skills when we're in a crisis, eh?” Dan asked after a while. Phil laughed and wiped his runny eyes and nose on Dan's pajama shirt and ignored Dan's outraged cry.  
  
“I think we're both so tired from tour we're off our game. So much for psychic connection.” Phil laughed.  
  
“Here give me my phone. I think it's time I tweet.” Dan stretched across the bed and unplugged his cracked device from the wall. The sight of the break just made Dan feel guilty all over again for the misunderstanding between the two of them.  
  
“What are you going to say?” Phil asked. He scooted up the bed and brought his knees to his chest. He placed his tired head on Dan's shoulder to read what he was typing in.  
  
“Time to come out with it, I think. That okay?” Dan asked.  
  
“Following your lead.” Phil chirped in reply.  
  
Dan quickly drew up a tweet.  
  
_“sorry to everyone yesterday about the slip up. i think there's nothing else i can do but come out now. thats right. everyone. i'm a nudist.”_  
  
He hurriedly hit send.  
  
“Oh my god Dan!” Phil roared in laughter and shoved at his shoulder before grabbing his own phone and typing away.  
Dan's phone buzzed for the millionth time in the last twenty four hours, but he had a fairly decent idea what it was this time.  
A tweet reply from Phil was at the top of his notifications.  
  
_“@DanielHowell Literally divorcing you.”_


End file.
